Home Security 101

Jingo seems rather agitated in French. He is constantly shuffling around and fiddling with the pen he just bought from me. This behavior is very unusual. We are in French for Chirst's sake. He is normally completely unconscious with boredom and ignorance at this stage of the lesson.

"Torquer!" he whispers loudly to the right of me, "I've done big shit!"
"What? You've shit yourself?" I ask, trying to hang onto the last threads of my linguistic talent (A* in GCSE) as they are blown through the open window.
"No! Even worse."
"Oh God, worse than that?"
"I've think I've left my house this morning with the bedroom window two foot open and my laptop on the table and my dad's laptop on the floor and my iPod on the...oh no I've got my iPod...but my bank details, including statements, cheque book...that's right I've got a cheque book and you haven't, ha...debit cards and other related literature with my name and address and pin numbers all over it on my window sill next to the window that's two foot wide open with easy access via wheely bin and top of the porch," he sweats.
"Whoa, that is big shit," I stare back blankly at his cringing face. And then it hits me:
"Bloody hell you retard!"

He then goes about drawing a plan with equations and diagrams about just how much shit he is in. To make matters worse, his parents can't sort it out because they are at work in London.

And so the rest of the day progresses with me trying to calm him down, constantly the agitated by the though of his neighbour and arch enemy Zong stealing all his stuff, worthless as it is. Even the fight at lunchtime did little to distract him.

So, I've decided to compile some home security tips for my clumsy friend.

1) Check all windows when you leave the house to go out. Make sure they are locked.

2) Don't leave valuables on display: either on your desk, window sill or where ever. Put it under the bed in an inconspicuous box/folder/toilet role tube.

3) Don't leave wheely bins lying around that can make a nice leg-up to a window.

4) Make sure your parents have their own set of keys.

5) Move into a respectable area.

6) Have a security alarm with a code - a code that only you know.

7) Chain your valuables to something heavy - try a Kingston security lock, most things computery have it.

8) Finally, I offer lessons in common sense, I'll give you a free 1/2 hour session.