Adverse Conditions

School's out and half term is in full swing. Yesterday, my cronies and I ventured out to the vast white expanses of Sefton Park - the largest park in the city (I think). Me, Pask, Dave and Rich met at the latter's 'cosy' house (squalid damp flat, to be precise) and busied our selves constructing spheres of ice from the frozen precipitation around us and throwing them in the direction of the other members of the congregation.

Unfortunately (possibly fortunately) Jingo and Nick couldn't make it. Nick was jetting off to some distant country to contribute to climate change and Jingo had some kind of dentist appointment. There is a 24 hour appointment reschedule allowance. Use it next time.

Then Robin, the perennially late one, arrived to a volley of flying ice smattering him in the face. He tried to retaliate but there was not much snow in the middle of the road where he was walking. That'll teach him to use the pavement. Eventually, once his face was blue and blistered he greeted the new arrived, grabbed a football and strode off towards the park, only a matter metres away. And to think that once rich, Victorian merchants and their families had the park all to them selves, surrounded as it was by lavish mansions. Now these great edify to the past have been bulldozed to make way for Richard's seventies communal commode. He even pays for his electricity by pay-as-you-go top-up card, and has Sky TV but no washing machine.

Anyway, the park was completely deserted. There was literally no-one around except our little group. That may have something to do with the fact that there was 45 degree sleet pelting into the ground at Mach 2 and it had been likewise for the past four hours. Perfect!

You may assume intentional sarcasm if you wish, but actually it was the most fun I've had since inventing sliced bread. The conditions were absolutely horrendous. We split into teams of two and three and defence seemed to consist largely of pelted muddy ice at the opposition every time they came forward with the ball. Robin correctly identified a turd in amongst all the mud and inquisitively covered it up with a large mound of snow. Richard inquisitively announced that it looked like a large penis. We all applauded his imagination.

Then in an ironic twist of fate, Robin slid in hard to get the ball, and perfectly took out the long, hard pointy thing that he had built to warn unsuspecting footballers of the dangers underneath. Somehow, and I'm not quite sure how he managed it, he avoided to get any of the excrement onto his clothing. He took it all in the back of the head instead.

Such an issue is not really something to joke about although I did enjoy a jolly good chortle while writing this. I say, steady on old chap.

All in all, it was a bloody good afternoon in the park although my right shoe was completely full of ice and grass. My body mass must have at least doubled with all the compacted snow in various pockets and up my sleeves, not to mention my saturated trousers.

To add to all the glee, only two hours before, I had successfully bartered with the woman in a camera shop and saved 1/3 of the price of a memory card for my camera. Always go to the older staff, no matter how ugly and decrepit they are. These people are more likely to be managers who will have a bit of flexibility when it comes to wheeling and dealing.